SEX THERAPY: DYADS
The sex therapist treats dyads at a peculiarly intense phase of the dyadic relationship and has a unique opportunity to observe the different kinds of dyadic transactions. From these observations, it has been possible to categorize dyads into four general types, based roughly on age and experience. Clearly, a general typology does not mean that the behavior of a particular dyad can be predicted; it can indicate only the consistencies of behavior that experience has revealed.
The four dyadic types are the young unmarried dyad, the young married dyad, the experienced married dyad, and the experienced unmarried dyad.
The young unmarried dyad is seen much more frequently by the sex therapist than by the marital therapist. My impression is that young unmarrieds rarely come for marital therapy. Their sexual problems are the same as those of other patients.
The relationship of the young unmarried dyad is usually centered on sex. Whether they live together or apart (although this is much more pronounced when they are living apart), they tend to have lives separate from the relationship. Because of this, the need for extra-sexual satisfaction within the dyadic relationship is diminished, since they can obtain this elsewhere. As a result, as long as sex is good, one partner tends to tolerate behavior by the other that married partners will not. Their perception of their relationship is generally that nonsexual problems “are not a problem.”
But if sex is not good, what is the use of continuing the relationship? Just as good sex and strong separate lives can smooth over nonsexual problems, poor sex can cloud otherwise satisfactory aspects of the relationship and interfere with general “good times.” That is, after a time the young unmarried dyad comes to feel that if the sexual problem is not resolved the relationship has failed.
Thus the young unmarrieds will seek sex therapy rather than marital therapy. Usually, the therapy proceeds smoothly; there is little “sabotaging” by the non-dysfunctional partner and little fear of the outcome. The irony is that it is precisely in the young unmarried dyad that the most drastic changes in the relationship tend to occur. That is, the sexual dysfunction often has been used as an excuse or reason for immobility. The insecurities and fears associated with the failure to achieve good sex have frozen the dysfunctional partner into a practically fixed relationship. With the dysfunction cleared up, that person feels more free to move.
Although many young unmarrieds continue in the same relationship after successful sex therapy, a large proportion does move. This movement can be in two directions: the “cured” partner moves away and begins to explore other relationships, or the dyad gets married. The psychodynamics in the first alternative are evident: the formerly dysfunctional partner, his or her feelings of inferiority cleared up along with the dysfunction, now feels confident to handle sexual situations and eager to see where they might lead. No longer tied down by his or her own sense of inadequacy, or impelled to tolerate the faults of the partner because of his or her tolerance of the dysfunction, he or she elects to move.
The psychodynamics in moving toward marriage are less clear. One possibility is that these partners were planning to marry anyway and wanted to remove an important obstacle to their satisfaction before the relationship became more fixed. Another is that the dysfunctional partner did not want to “inflict” himself or herself on the other with a permanent sexual dysfunction, and a third is that one partner demanded the cure of the dysfunctional one before agreeing to marry. The most likely explanation is that marriage is seen by both partners as a challenging and serious commitment, and that the improved sexual functioning of the one partner and the more satisfactory sexual relationship for both increases their self-confidence individually and together.
*259/187/5*
